You are exempt from the first part of this post if you are actually living in Michigan right now, because you've heard this about 50,000 times a goddamn minute. I think we even have a local UHF station dedicated to repeatedly informing us that Madonna is from Michigan. That's right! Her family brought her up in Rochester Hills, and like anyone else who would name their child Madonna, they reportedly had a gigantic house with Roman columns and a front yard filled with gaudy statuary.
The part of all this that is just absolutely perfect is that no one cared that she was from Michigan until she started to REALLY suck, and then it was broadcast, I believe, as a possible explanation for her bizarre and erratic behavior. It's been fascinating to watch our little girl go big through the years.
- Before, she was faking a New York accent; now, she's from England.
- Before, she had the body of a college girl beer-bonging her way to the Freshman Fifteen; now she has the physique of a 15 year old wrestling team rookie.
- Before, she was fucking Big Daddy Kane on camera for her fuck book; now, she's married to a terrible English film director adopting little African children because there are clearly no other black kids worth the effort.
The truly consistent thread throughout Madonna's career is that no matter how young and playful she was, or how mature and self-aware she becomes, she is as dumb as a fucking rock. No matter how embarrassing her stupid Kabalah thing is, or how cringe-inducing her latest single is, you can always be surprised by how shockingly insipid her old stuff was. No, really, have a listen to "Like A Virgin" next time you get a chance. The only thing that's remotely tolerable about that pile of crap is her adorable idiocy. You'd think that there's some microscopic iota of genius in there for a Michigander to be proud of, but there isn't.
Britain, take our Madonna - please. You owe us for having put up with all of your terrible pop music.
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